'I didn't realise that my wife spent more than €20,000 on cosmetic work'

• Published date: 29 June 2022
• Author: Trish Murphy
• Publication title: Irish Times: Web Edition Articles (Dublin, Ireland)

Myself and my wife just spent a week abroad with my family and we had a great time. I had only seen my brother and sister, and their respective partners and children, regularly on Zoom during the pandemic. My wife spoke to them on the telephone during this time, but hadn't actually seen them for more than two years

One night during the holiday, myself and my sister stayed out later than the others and polished off more wine than we should. My sister asked me what I thought of all the cosmetic work my wife had got done. I said that I knew that she was looking very well, but didn't think she had ever done anything like that. My sister quickly changed the subject.

On our return to Ireland, I asked my wife about this, and while she was annoyed with my sister for mentioning it, she admitted she had spent more than €20,000 on different procedures over the past while. I know that I should have noticed and of course I have no objection to her doing what she wishes with her body, that is not my business, nor is it my issue.

My difficulty is that over the past two years, when she was getting this work done, we had both been laid off work and when surviving on the PUP we struggled financially. I knew she had some money from an inheritance put away but at one point when we were unable to buy the family groceries or our growing son clothes, I suggested we dip into her money. She refused, saying it was her inheritance and that she had plans.

I am not annoyed about the procedures she got done, I am just sad that she did not discuss them with me, especially when the money could have helped with basic survival issues at a time that we really needed it. I am not so sure that I can trust her anymore.

Answer

There are a number of issues here: the hiding of the spending when the family was strapped for cash, your inability to notice what is going on with your wife when you were almost cocooned together, the meaning money has in your relationship, and the possible insecurity your wife feels and how that is supported in your family.

This is an important moment in your relationship, and it demands attention for the complex issues that it raises, so do not withdraw into silence or condemnation but keep it front and centre for as long as it takes. You said your wife had this money as a result of inheritance, so the first inquiry might be to discover the meaning money had in her family of origin. For many women in the past, having money to spend on themselves was not an option and...