'I'm in a relationship with a woman who is 20 years older. That she will continue to age scares me'

• Author: Trish Murphy
• Published date: 23 November 2022
• Publication title: Irish Times: Web Edition Articles (Dublin, Ireland)

I'm a male in my early 20s. I met a woman who is 20 years older than me, and recently got into a relationship, but now I'm overthinking it

I'm afraid of the future with her. She is beautiful and kind, and I love her so much, but the fact that she will continue to age scares me suddenly after being extremely happy and in love for a month. I fought so hard to prove myself to her and to win her heart after she didn't believe in love any more.

The age gap worried her, and I tried so hard to brush it off and make her feel okay and I would never leave, even if she started looking old. Now I feel I have lied and I'm going to break her heart again after gaining her trust that this relationship won't fall apart like her relationships in the past.

I don't want these thoughts, and I really cry about it, as I love her so much. Her entire world will fall apart if I take my words back and tell her this isn't going to work out for me. I don't want that: I want it to work out. But if she turns 60 or 65, or even 70, I have big doubts I would still be physically attracted to her or if I would have much time with her – like, max 20 years and with a bit of luck 30 years, but that's not really long if compared with dating a girl in my age group.

I'm also afraid a health condition will cause conflicts, and I would never get it over my heart to send her to a care home after 30 years; that's like dumping a grown dog that once was a cute puppy, and I'm not like that, but I want to feel comfortable about all this. She is a person who thinks talking is important, and she is right, but this is going to give her worries and bad feelings if I tell her I'm struggling with these thoughts.

The only hope and bit of comfort is the fact people seem to age slower – each generation compared with older generations, people also live longer. A lot of research is being done into anti-ageing, and reversal is being done, and it's accelerating rapidly, giving it the chance to happen in this 21st century, which is their goal; a doctor even states they aim for it to be possible in the near future, which means (in my head) 15-20 years from now. But thinking this way to solve the problem is bad, as if I only like her for her looks – which is not true, but since I'm younger it's harder to look at the body of a 60-70 year old. Even having sex would perhaps turn me off then, if that wouldn't fade away too or give other complications.

I'm getting into a depression again because I'm stuck between two walls...