CHRISTMAS DAY CONVERSATION KILLERS

• Date: 19 December 2020
• Author: Jennifer O'Connell
• Published date: 19 December 2020

But first, familiarise yourself with our annual list of Christmas conversation killers - the topics that are likely to prove as destructive as an airborne Covid-particle let loose around the festive dinner table.

1

Covetiquette

The opener: "Don't say another word, Mammy. I'll be there. It would break my heart to think of the two of you spending Christmas alone. Anyway, I told the lads we'd have the few cans in the house on Stephen's Night." The comeback: "Right. Lovely. In that case, I should mention we've introduced a few guidelines to ensure we all have a comfortable and safe Christmas. There'll be no drinking at home without a substantial meal, which you'll have to prepare yourself for hygiene reasons. Also for hygiene reasons, you'll be doing your own dishes, laundry and cleaning the bathroom after every use.

"Mask wearing at all times is mandatory, other than when you're seated. You'll need to bring extra layers because we'll be having the turkey in the back garden. And bring your own mattress too. What? No, that's nothing to do with Covid - we did a few little jobs around the house during lockdown and your old bedroom is our new sauna."

Fight factor: When the immovable object of two careful cocooners meets the unstoppable force of grown-up children intent on celebrating the birth of Christ with bags of cans, negotiation is required. 9/10

2

Wild swimmers

The opener: "No more vino for me, thanks. Sorcha and I are up at 6am for the wild swimming. You should all join us? You really haven't lived until you've stood on the shore on a frosty morning taking a selfie as the russet sun peeks up over the distant horizon, and the waves tickle your . . . " The comeback: "Wild what now? Swimming in the sea, you mean - like I've been doing every day since 1972. By the way, that giant fleecy raincoat you left in the hall was stinking so I put it in a good, boil wash and it's in the tumble . . . Wait, where are you off to? What do you mean you can't tumble dry a Dryrobe - what class of eejit spends €170 on a towel you can't dry in the dryer?"

Fight factor: People are a bit precious about their lockdown-acquired self-improvement habits, and very precious about their Dryrobes. 7/10

3

Vaccines

The opener: "I just have a bad feeling about it. There's no way they can have produced it that fast without cutting a few corners. Eileen over the road has a brother a guard and he told her Bill Gates is using it to put a tracker in your DNA and destroy your fertility so they can...