‘Everything we do is in compliance with the guidelines. I want a Christmas that Tony Holohan would approve of’

• Author: Ross O'Carroll-Kelly
• Date: 19 December 2020
• Published date: 19 December 2020

"Ross, come back in here," she goes. "I want to talk to you."

I'm there, "Er, what about exactly?"

"About Christmas. I'm just planning the big day."

Which is exactly what I feared.

"Now," she goes, "obviously, it's going to be a Christmas with a difference this year?"

I'm there, "In terms of?"

"In terms of, we are still in the midst of, like, a pandemic? And I want to make sure that - oh my God - everything we do is in compliance with the recommended Government safety guidelines. I want a Christmas that Tony Holohan would approve of."

"Jesus."

"So," she goes, handing me a piece of paper, "here is a map of the house and here is a timetable. Did you hear me say rough timetable?"

I'm like, "Er, no."

"That's because it's not a rough timetable. We need to hit these times and we need to hit them with - oh my God - military precision."

Seriously, it's like our wedding day all over again.

"Okay," she goes, "at precisely 12:50pm, my mom and dad will be arriving at the front door. You will already be wearing your mask and gloves. You will open the front door and take five steps backwards. My mom and dad, wearing masks and gloves, will enter the house and they will follow the arrow stickers to the diningroom."

I'm there, "Yeah, I know where the diningroom is. I actually live here, bear in mind?"

"On the sideboard, there will be a Sanitation Station. There will be 19 of these at various locations within the house and they are morked on your map with a red hand-sanitiser icon. I will be cooking the dinner in adherence to the timings in the Nigella Lawson Christmas cookbook. Which means, at this exact point, I will be basting the turkey with the remaining glaze and Honor will be preparing the maple-roast porsnips and putting on the sprout water."

"Putting it on? Okay, sorry, I thought you meant-"

"Once you have sanitised your hands, you will make your way to your Pre Dinner Conversation Morks. These will be situated in accordance to the requirements of physical distancing and, again, they will be indicated by the use of stickers on the floor. You will make conversation with my parents for exactly 17 minutes."

"Seventeen minutes? I haven't spoken to them for that long in the entire time I've known them. The knobs."

"There are some suggested conversation topics on pages 72 through 94 of your Information Pack, which you will be receiving shortly, as well as some briefing notes on each topic. After 17 minutes, I will join you in the diningroom along with Honor and the boys...