The eight people you meet in the posh hospital emergency department

• Published date: 12 April 2024
• Publication title: Irish Times (Dublin, Ireland)

I had reason recently to attend the emergency department of one of Dublin’s private hospitals, and was tickled to find that it keeps civilised hours. Opening and closing times within which to have one’s emergencies feels very illustrative of our two-tier health system

Only mannerly catastrophes occurring between the hours of 10am and 7pm and likely subsidised by private health insurance, please. Everything else to the 24-hour drop-in shop.

I spent 10 hours there, which immediately contradicts the idea that the IVs are shut off and the ECGs are packed away on the dot of seven, or that you might be in and out in a jiffy. Doctors were overworked, queues were long, the staff were blue in the face telling everyone the hospital had no beds, and everyone was at their nosiest, including me. Here’s who I saw.

The Phone Lady

Every emergency department has at least one Phone Lady. She’s ringing everyone she knows with minute-by-minute updates. She has a Bad Leg and they think it might be vascular and she hasn’t been able to walk further than the gate since Friday. It’s desperate altogether. The No-Nonsense Triage Nurse

I could almost hear her eyes rolling in her head after she gave me a form to fill out and I remained luxuriating in the bay with my pen ready and my shoes off. “You can go back to the waiting area, we have more patients to see.” That was me put in my place. And yet, I would die for her. The Concierge

I’m not sure “Concierge” was their actual title but there was a team of snazzy staff checking people in and warning them of the cost (between €200 and €695 regardless of insurance cover. I know. I was scandalised too). They brought a bit of glamour to an otherwise deeply unglamorous situation. The Helpful Porter

When I was about 14, I had my tonsils out and a glorious hospital porter allayed my fears on the way to theatre with some daring swerves of the bed and jokes about what they might do with the tonsils once...